The end of an era...

Well, well, well.....

It appears thagt I'm full of shit these days, espeically when people do not want to confront the past.

For those who are interested, my mother (who was in hospital paralysed down one side) is actually home and nobody thought it would be an idea to let others know this was happening...and when Krsytie decided to mention this I am then blamed for being someone who is uncaring and only contacting when I want something.

Yeah...when I want something.

You know perhaps they have a point.  I mean the last time I contacted mom was to let her know I needed heart surgery (I just wanted to know that she cared, like a parent would, yes?) and the time before that when I contacted her was when I got enagaged (you know, I wanted her to be there to share in what I still consider to be the best day of my life).  The last time mom contacted me?  Well, that would have been a phone call asking about PayPal about a business I have not done associated with for years.  Granted there was a phone call when Gypsy died, but pretty much every time family call it is that they want something (my brother is a prime example, only time he has ever contacted me was to get an approximate value for some retro/geeky item he found...the last time was about old British coins, the time before that was trying to recognise what was possibly a Generaton 1 TransFormer toy).  Yet I let my family know the big things going on in my life and I'm the one wanting something....ok, maybe I did, I wanted to show I'd got somewhere at long last and all I wanted to show was that I was finally happy now I'd got away from Mel and basically all the misery (I honestly think that being in the South was a potential issue)....I mean look at me, I'm married, I have a family that I love and adore and also love me...and since I've moved to the north there has been so much more help with my health, and I generally feel much better about myself and I've been able to be myself....something I could never do when I lived down South...especially when I was with Mel.

But then I get asked what exactly was I doing the few years before I mjoved....well, I was at mom's every week (health permitting) making sure things were ok, and helped whereever I could, when my brothers were out of the county....so yeah sure I may not have been around for the last 5 years, but I was around, and did all I could when I was able...if I was able.....but of course that means absolutely Jack shit does it?

Especially when you think that I was helping someone who didn't help me when I needed it the most.  You know, the times when my father abused me....hey mom, remember that?  Huh?  You did fuck all to help me, you know it was happening (and don't come out with any shit that you were unaware because that would make you a fucking liar...you may well not know all of the occaisions, but you knew about some....and if you knew about one you should have done something...but despite that you still had kids with him and still lived with that abusive piece of shit) and did nothing....you didn't, and Gran knew and she did fuck all either.

So now, my mom is never going to contact me or my family ever again.  This is good...this is very good.  I have a nice clean cut, and life carries on.  I'd say I'll lose some sleep...but if I'm honest that is an absolute lie, if anything I'm relieved and it means I have one less issue to worry about.

So yeah...see ya, I'm not missing you.

Bloody Onion Ninjas!!

Went and saw Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 in 3D today with Krystie....totally awesome movie, awesome soundtrack, loads of Groot (Groot is always awesome!!  Krystie wants a Groot....not a toy, an ACTUAL Groot!!), cool cameos and some great bits in the credits.

I'm not going to spoiler this (the movie hasn't even been out a week yet) but there was one part that really tugged at my heart and made me cry...me!!  Cry!!  I do have to say in my defence that I've had a lot of family shit going on recently (ie family is shit) and I guess I'm still a little rawer than I had actually realised....damn.

Loved the movie though, and I'm really looking forward to grabbing this on BluRay when it's released (another one to add to my Marvel collection!) and Krystie wants a copy too!!

Everything is annoying me!

I don't know what it is at the moment but it appears that almost everything is annoying me.

I'm on the metro and the kids coming home from school are too loud (bloody kids with megaphone mouths!), week 2 of the "put gluten back in the fat bloke's diet to see if that is a problem" has stated painfully and I'm tempted to tell them to go to Hell, my knee needs a support again, and family just monumentally sucks ass.

And yes, before anyone says the famous words "mustn't grumble, it could be worse" they are usually my words so just fuck off.

Maybe Karma has dealt me cards I deserve.

A lot of hurt, a lot of anger....and knowing who to blame.

This weekend I got some rather unfortunate news.  My mother has been hospitalised as half her body is paralysed as cancer she has been fighting for years has gone to her brain.

When I got this message from my brother....I felt nothing.  No happiness, no sadness.....nothing.  I wasn't going to say anything, but my good wife said it would be the right thing to acknowledge the message.  After a while, I did and asked about the severity and all I got was curt replies and then nothing...and when I asked him about what was going on he then said he was dealing with HIS mum....HIS mum!  Yeah like we both have different mothers as well as fathers.  Asshat.

All I know is she is in Basingstoke Hospital and they do not know how much time she has left...and I'm not likely to get any kind of message saying she has died.  He won't even let me know what ward she is on...I'm not wanting to talk to her, but I did want to know what the hospital had to say as my brother doesn't seem to know much more than "very" as to how bad her condition is.

I'm so fucking angry that I thought I may get a little bit of civility from one of my brothers and sisters.  I cannot believe I could have been so fucking stupid to think that maybe in a situation like this maybe a little civility could have been in order.

Ironic though, I'm the one who's apparently not acting like family, when the family were the ones who turned their backs on me.  They knew how ill I was with my heart and various other things over the last few years yet I was completely ignored.  The only time they contacted me was when they wanted something....well, that isn't going to happen anymore, is it?

So it's time to be me....the asshole, the man who does not give a fuck....the man who deserves nothing.

Yam is missed.....

I have gone by many names in the past....

Number 2
Fantome Blanc/White Ghost
Smylex
The DAVE Hunter
Mr Marmite
Zen Bear
Yamerias
Fat Bloke
Happy Hacker
Cheeseball
Apples
Zaphod/Phil

The most notable of these names is Yamerias....or Yam Erias (everyone online knew me as Yam). Yam was what most people online called me...I was in a stage of my life where I was living in the South of England and things were crazy as hell,...I posted crazy things making all around me smile and laugh but me...I was in a dark place, I was drinking, health was bad, had relationship issues too.....I was the clown that made all laugh but nobody saw behind the mask (unless they were chatting with me on an IM service while I was drunk)

When I travelled up north to visit my wife (then girlfriend) I felt like a different person....and declared that Yam was no more.  That was in 2012.

So that was then...this is now.

I still have a handful of people who still call me Yam, but it's incredible rare...these days I'm mostly known as Zen Bear because I'm pretty laid back most of the time no matter what is thrown my way.

Today, my wife came out with something that kinda took me aback a little...

"I miss Yam.....I miss some of the things he'd post up on Tumb1r"

Perhaps it is time for a resurrection......perhaps those rants (oh man those bloody bus services) and ponderings should come back....maybe the crazy shit should recommence!