A lot of hurt, a lot of anger....and knowing who to blame.

This weekend I got some rather unfortunate news.  My mother has been hospitalised as half her body is paralysed as cancer she has been fighting for years has gone to her brain.

When I got this message from my brother....I felt nothing.  No happiness, no sadness.....nothing.  I wasn't going to say anything, but my good wife said it would be the right thing to acknowledge the message.  After a while, I did and asked about the severity and all I got was curt replies and then nothing...and when I asked him about what was going on he then said he was dealing with HIS mum....HIS mum!  Yeah like we both have different mothers as well as fathers.  Asshat.

All I know is she is in Basingstoke Hospital and they do not know how much time she has left...and I'm not likely to get any kind of message saying she has died.  He won't even let me know what ward she is on...I'm not wanting to talk to her, but I did want to know what the hospital had to say as my brother doesn't seem to know much more than "very" as to how bad her condition is.

I'm so fucking angry that I thought I may get a little bit of civility from one of my brothers and sisters.  I cannot believe I could have been so fucking stupid to think that maybe in a situation like this maybe a little civility could have been in order.

Ironic though, I'm the one who's apparently not acting like family, when the family were the ones who turned their backs on me.  They knew how ill I was with my heart and various other things over the last few years yet I was completely ignored.  The only time they contacted me was when they wanted something....well, that isn't going to happen anymore, is it?

So it's time to be me....the asshole, the man who does not give a fuck....the man who deserves nothing.

Yam is missed.....

I have gone by many names in the past....

Number 2
Fantome Blanc/White Ghost
Smylex
The DAVE Hunter
Mr Marmite
Zen Bear
Yamerias
Fat Bloke
Happy Hacker
Cheeseball
Apples
Zaphod/Phil

The most notable of these names is Yamerias....or Yam Erias (everyone online knew me as Yam). Yam was what most people online called me...I was in a stage of my life where I was living in the South of England and things were crazy as hell,...I posted crazy things making all around me smile and laugh but me...I was in a dark place, I was drinking, health was bad, had relationship issues too.....I was the clown that made all laugh but nobody saw behind the mask (unless they were chatting with me on an IM service while I was drunk)

When I travelled up north to visit my wife (then girlfriend) I felt like a different person....and declared that Yam was no more.  That was in 2012.

So that was then...this is now.

I still have a handful of people who still call me Yam, but it's incredible rare...these days I'm mostly known as Zen Bear because I'm pretty laid back most of the time no matter what is thrown my way.

Today, my wife came out with something that kinda took me aback a little...

"I miss Yam.....I miss some of the things he'd post up on Tumb1r"

Perhaps it is time for a resurrection......perhaps those rants (oh man those bloody bus services) and ponderings should come back....maybe the crazy shit should recommence!